[Ray]

MINISTERS PROPOSE 'ALF GARNETT DAY'
A NATIONAL holiday to celebrate the traditional British mistrust of foreigners is being proposed by the government.



Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly said the holiday would fall on 22 July, the anniversary of the first episode of Till Death us Do Part, when Britain's most lovable racist entered the nation's hearts.

Kelly said: "Mistrust of all things foreign pervades every corner of our national life and it's about time the Labour Party used that to its political advantage.

"We must unleash Britain's overblown sense of national pride and spend the day making people of Asian, African, West Indian, European, South American and Antarctic origin feel thoroughly unwelcome."

Kelly also said immigrants would have the chance to "earn" British citizenship, "by working as a minimum-wage nanny for, let's say, a busy Labour cabinet minister who has a lot of kids".

[Ray]

GOD TELLS BRITNEY TO SOD OFF

GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she ?could not wait to meet Him?.


Strangely enough, God looks just like Laurence Olivier in 'Clash of the Titans'The Creator of the Universe said he would hide behind the sofa and get St Peter to answer if Spears called, describing the pop star as an ?annoying cow? and ?not one of my better efforts?.

The Supreme Being said he was sick of the Toxic star invoking his name and said that if Britney was so keen on Him and all his ways she should stop flashing her privates in public and start dressing like a nun, but not in a nasty way like Christian Aguilera.

God said: ?I read on Britney?s blog that she makes one mistake and it is all over the television. Well how many times has she been divorced, and how often does she go out without her knickers on? It?s more than once for both, I can tell you.

?But every time I let off a small volcano or unleash a bit of famine the papers and the TV are full of dreadful people going on for months saying either that I don?t exist or that I am cruel and unnatural. Now that?s what I call media harassment.

?Why do these celebrities think they can just call on me whenever they want, usually only when it?s all going tits up? I never invited her up here, I?ve never spoken to the damned girl, I am not even that interested in pop music, although I do like a bit of reggae.?

God said he realised his reluctance to agree to an early entry into Heaven for Spears would disappoint many of his followers on Earth. ?I?ve done a lot for humanity,? he said. ?I sacrificed my only Son to save you, but this is just asking too much.?

[Ray]

Modern Days


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.

I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Andrew Cross]

Originally Posted by Ray Modern Days I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food. I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Love it...